clear expectations

Is the initial positive actually working against you?

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Remember the initial positive?

First, tell them something positive, then tell them what’s wrong and conclude with another positive.

I’m sure it sounded like a good idea at the time. Especially for those of us who don’t really want to deliver bad news to people, it feels like a way to cushion the blow, from the messenger’s perspective.

But have you been on the receiving end of this conversation? It can feel something like this:

initial positive! “You’re doing great on the Kaboodle project, blah blah blah.”

(Right, you’re just saying all that because you’ve got some sort of gripe you’re about to unveil) 

here comes the bad news….“I think you could do better at managing your time on the KitandKaboodle project because….”

(Oh, so you think it’s my fault that Pat isn’t pulling his/her weight and now you’re blaming me. Great. I knew this conversation was really about that, and not Kaboodle)

and wrapping up with a positive! “But you’re making some good calls on the Zipperdoo project and I hope you’ll keep up the good work!”

(Yeah, until you assign Pat to that one too, then I’ll get the blame for slippage and it’ll be my fault again…)

Thanks!

(Thanks? All you did was tell me I was messing up the KitandKaboodle project.)

Okay, so that might be a bit extreme, but doesn’t some version of that happen when you’re delivering the positive-negative-postive sandwich? All the focus is on that middle piece and the positives are left to the side like unwanted bread crusts.

But a lot of us out there managing people were trained to do exactly this – and it’s supposed to make things better. Help the person you’re talking to see their strengths, talk about the things you should’t just sweep under the carpet, and then focus them on improvement in those areas with some assurance that you’re seeing the good work they’re doing.

Just tell me upfront

I had the chance to observe a couple of different exercises in the past month in which people were practicing a variation of this conversation.

Most of the time, some flavor of the sandwich was in play and sometimes the positives were so heavy the “employee” had no idea they had weaknesses.

By contrast, the most effective people put everything on the table at once.

“I’d like to talk about your excellent work on the Kaboodle and Zipperdoo projects and find out why we’re falling short of the schedule on KitandKaboodle. Which do you want to discuss first?”

When you’re going into a performance review, you don’t want to be surprised by what feels like a gotcha negative in the middle, do you?

Transparency

Transparency might be the latest buzzword, especially if you work in government at any level, but it’s a key factor in this scenario. By getting the sandwich ingredients on the table, it puts you in a position to work together on the assembly. Maybe the person you’re talking with needs to be able to discuss the positives first, maybe they’d rather get that biggie off the table first, but you won’t know if you don’t ask. And if you ask, you’re treating them as a partner in the conversation.

There’s a lot of research and practical information available about how to handle the rest of the conversation, but ditching the initial positive might be a simple first step.

Here are a few resources I’ve used – I’d be curious to know of others people find useful:

Difficult Conversations: how to discuss what matters most

Smart Leaders, Smarter Teams: How you and your team get unstuck to get results

Ask for it: How women can use the power of negotiation to get what they really want

I think you should do this my way

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At some point, we all find ourselves working with someone who is very organized, very thorough, and, not surprisingly, very successful at their job. This relationship can be wonderful – things happen, work gets done. But it can be challenging too, especially when they reach into your work and tell you how to do it. This type of overreaching can feel like micro-managing, or distrust, or an inability to let go. It can also bring out feelings of defensiveness and uncooperative behavior. Most of us don’t enjoy feeling bossed around.

It’s also common to play both roles, depending on the situation. Sometimes, we may be the one who “knows” how something should be done. Sometimes we’re the one on the receiving end.

On the receiving end, figuring out how to establish some boundaries is essential. Whether it’s a boss, a friend, family member or co-worker, some version of a firm stance may be in order. Especially when it seems that all the politeness in the world can’t get the message across.

I’ve witnessed plenty of blow-ups in these situations (or been the one blowing up), and it doesn’t do any good. The initial shock into silence can be a welcome relief. But it can also lead the overreacher to be further convinced of your inability to do things well and the cycle eventually picks up again.

The passive-aggressive approach doesn’t work either. Pretending that we’ll do things their way and then doing it our way is really only being aggressive in a different way. As a result, distrust builds and they may try even harder to reach in and control us next time.

How do we claim our territory without blowing our top?

  • It’s helpful to acknowledge the other person’s concerns. “I hear you’re worried about how I will present on this topic…..” This requires careful listening when we’d really rather fume about how they have no right to try to boss us around.
  • It’s important to tell them what you will or won’t be able to do about their concerns. This confirms that you heard them clearly and sets good expectations. For example, “I will reflect your concerns about xyz in my presentation but I will not be changing my information about abc from what you already saw.”
  • Tell them what to expect. Maybe, “I will share an outline with you before the meeting, but I won’t make additional changes at that time.”
  • Then stop.

I believe it’s important to be clear with others about your thinking, what you will do, and what they can expect as a result. I also believe it’s okay, when this person really is overstepping their boundaries, to have the self-respect to turn your attention to your work.

If you think you might be the overreacher, listening for these types of clues might be  a good place to start.

It’s a touchy situation, especially when the person you’re dealing with is someone you will have to continue to work with. Even when you think you won’t, I don’t recommend burning bridges. I’m sure others have found other ways to set boundaries with people who’d like to tell you how to do your job.

Do you think you do both of these? Neither? Do you have a suggestion?