communication

Why are you yelling at me?? (does anger work @ work?)

wpid-2014-08-06-21.08.15.jpg.jpegFacing someone who is angry at you – outright yelling-and-screaming angry – is a scenario that comes up when people are trading work horror stories.

I haven’t found a lot out there about how to deal with it well – just lots of “can you believe s/he did that?” 

I remember the first time I listened to my boss yell at someone for a solid ten minutes behind closed doors (his and mine!) before he fired her. My stomach churned like I was twelve years old and about to be grounded. Not exactly how we want to feel at work.

We spend our entire lives developing our personal reaction to anger and those life-long habits are strong ones. They’re our go-to survival techniques. We may avoid situations that may result in anger. We may try to get in with the first punch. Dealing with anger can take a lot of practice if someone yelling at you isn’t in your comfort zone.

If you’re conflict-adverse, it’s helpful to remember that anger isn’t all bad. When it provides the fuel to make a change, it can really help you. We all hear stories about the “I’m not going to take it any more” moment when people stand up for themselves and they get the respect, attention, or result they’re seeking.

That’s not the kind of anger I’m thinking about here. I’m thinking about the situation when anger is a weapon to tear people down, intimidate, and cause fear, it’s destructive. It’s bullying. It’s the feeling in the pit of your stomach that something suddenly went wrong and you’re being attacked.

And it usually makes you….angry.

It’s not feeling angry that’s a problem. It’s the doing. What are they – or you – doing with that anger?

I certainly don’t have all the answers to this one, but I suspect there are a lot of answer out there from your experiences.

I’m happy to share a few ways I’ve been able to deal with these situations better in recent years than I did in the past. I’m really hoping you’ll share some of your experiences too.

What has been working better for me?

1. Ask: Are they really yelling?

If you’re sensitive to criticsm, hard on yourself, or not a fan of anger, it’s easy to misconstrue someone else as “yelling” when they’re frustrated, anxious, or upset.

If you feel like people are yelling at you all the time, you might want to figure out if they really are, or if your perception is playing into the situation. Maybe you need to hear what they’re saying instead of focusing on how they’re delivering the message.

But, sometimes, they really are yelling…..what then?

2. Walk away

There is great power in the polite exit. “I can see you’re upset. I’m going to take five minutes to gather my thoughts.”

It’s okay to leave. Especially if you can feel your emotions rising to meet theirs. The only thing worse than one really angry person is two.

3. Regroup

Take a break. Find a way to get your thoughts out. For me, writing them down helps a lot. For others, it may be physical activity, talking to someone about the situation, but whatever it is, if it helps you group your thoughts or prepare mentally to deal with the situation, do it.

4. Deal with it

This is the kicker, right? Sometimes, we want to just lash out and then not deal with it. Or we want to just pretend “it” didn’t happen. Not dealing with the situation or the person is not good. It’s like the time you got a terrible report card and hid it from your parents. But you knew it was there. Lurking. And when you least expected it, the reality of having to deal with it would come popping up, spreading that dread all over your bright world of denial.

You’ve got to deal with it, or you’ll be sabotaging your way forward.

Dealing with it can take lots of forms. Maybe you can use some of the ideas in this post, or maybe you have other ways of having difficult conversations. That’s another topic.

But what’s the goal of this topic? Dealing with the initial outburst. Whatever your technique, I wonder if our ultimate goals is to not let their anger trigger the same emotion in you.

Can you do it?

How? 

 

 

You’re doing great! You’re failing miserably! (and other useless feedback)

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I got a book from the library a few weeks ago called Thanks for the Feedback – the art and science of receiving feedback well  by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.

Feedback? You probably want to stop reading right now, don’t you? Or offer some…ahem..feedback?

The funny thing was when I opened the book, the book jacket was on backward and upside down. I wondered for a moment if this was a librarian’s joke (our librarians have a great sense of humor- and I speak from personal experience here). Was I supposed to figure out how to give them feedback about the book?

But here’s the thing that makes this a great read – it’s that one extra word in the title: receiving.

The bottom line here may be that it really is all about you. How do you manage feedback? Because if every conflict has at least two parties, and you’re one of them, then you know which one you might stand half a chance of managing, right?

The book got me to think about how we use feedback at work and how fraught with conflict it often is.

  • A co-worker who is trying to help us see into our blind spots
  • An employee who is not meeting our expectations
  • A boss who doesn’t communicate well
  • Customers, committees, boards, clients

And outside work, we are always getting and sending messages to our friends and family.

Most of us really want some real information about how we’re doing, but it can also be hard to hear what usually sounds like criticism.

I recommend reading the book if you’re looking for a really thorough study of the art of receiving feedback with lots of how-to examples.

But here’s a specific aspect of feedback that can help reduce conflict. How specific are we being?

When a performance review, for instance, says “great job!” it’s hard to know what about your work was valued. The lack of specificity may even make us doubt that our supervisor knows what our work actually entails. They haven’t given us any clues to go by. Was it my presentation style? My written report? My interaction with a team? My supervisory skills?

When we’re trying to grow or develop a new talent or skill, we’re especially interested in knowing how we’re doing.

Specificity in feedback can reduce misunderstandings and conflict.

Let me be specific.

When we’re giving feedback, we can reduce confusion and increase clarity by sharing our observations in detail.

Instead of this:

Great job at this morning’s meeting. Let’s hit the deadline.

Maybe this:

At this morning’s meeting, you said (insert quote of that thing they really said – not a paraphrase – this may require you to jot down some notes occasionally). I was pleased because it showed an understanding of the group’s assignment and you were asking for others to contribute to the project (I’m making this up, but you get the idea – why is what they did important?). It’s important to get this project done on time and I appreciate your efforts to include everyone in the room. Do you need anything else to meet the deadline?

That’s an example of how to give feedback though. What if you’re on the receiving end of the first type of feedback?

You may try to ask for the specific information you need.

Imagine this:

Supervisor: Great job at this morning’s meeting. Let’s hit the deadline.

Awesome. Except I have no idea what was great. I was trying to manage three conflicting personalities in the room and my kid might be coming down with a cold and I kept hoping the school wouldn’t call in the middle of the meeting. And, by the way,  I’m nervous about this new project.

You: Thanks, I know the deadline is important to you. Can you share a little more about what you observed this morning that was successful? That might help me better understand what you’re looking for. This is a new type of project for me and I’d like to be able to meet your expectations.

Supervisor: No worries, you’re doing great, just keep doing what you’re doing.

Okay, s/he’s getting a little irritated. Maybe they were not really paying attention during the meeting? How can I reframe a check-in as being in their best interest? And perhaps model some of what I’m looking for?

You: Thanks, I know you have some high expectations here and it would help me to spend a few minutes sharing what I think is working and what our next steps are – maybe we could check in for 5 minutes later today? I’ll bring some specific questions so we can keep it brief.

Supervisor: Okay, sure, 5 minutes.

You: Great.

Ack! I wonder if I have time to run to the library, get that book, read it all and use it…..haha. Okay, what am I really after in this conversation? And I’d better arrive prepared with specific observations and questions that can be handled in 5 minutes.

Now it’s back in your court. The conflict in this particular situation is internal. You’re looking for information, guidance, direction, and your supervisor isn’t giving it.

Maybe by modeling the specific interaction you’re after, they’ll be able to give you what you need.

If you’re lucky enough to have employees who are asking for feedback, Thanks for the Feedback – the art and science of receiving feedback well  by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. is a good resource.

Taking the sting out of giving – and hearing – feedback can reduce a lot of workplace tensions.

Do you have examples of how you’ve tried this?

Has it worked?

When has it backfired?

Are you dodging a difficult conversation?

Remember P.E. on a rainy day?  That’s when our teacher used to bring out the dodge balls. Unless you were a sucker for punishment, you didn’t just stand in the middle of the gym and wait for the balls to smack into you. You dodged.

Dodgeball

Dodgeball

It’s been a long time since I played dodgeball, but old habits die hard. Throw a bunch of change in the air and our latent instincts can pop right out – we duck, we dodge, if we’re really good, we walk away, head held high, barely bruised. Rain or shine, it can feel like every day is dodgeball day if there’s trouble in the air we’re trying to avoid.

I have yet to meet the person who says to me that they look forward to difficult conversations. Some people are really good at having them but most people I know prefer not to have to have them at all. We all know what happens if you don’t deal with that ball thought – it’ll keep coming at you.

Why do we dodge?

  • We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings
  • We have to talk about something that’s difficult for us (money with a spouse? concerns with a child?)
  • We don’t usually want to be the “bad guy/gal”
  • We’re feeling like we’re partially to blame (maybe that idea I had wasn’t such a good one after all)
  • We don’t like the person we have to talk with
  • We’re afraid to lose our temper
  • We’re afraid the other person will lose their temper

This list could go on and on, couldn’t it?

What’s the goal of a difficult conversation? It’s not to get the other person out. Dodgeball was a lone-survivor game. That kid helping you across the gym? They’d turn on you in a second in order to win. Lone-player doesn’t work well in most of our relationships anymore, though. At work, we’re pretty interdependent and in our personal lives, that win-lose mindset is a recipe for unhappiness and loneliness.

When I have to prepare for a difficult conversation, there are a few prep questions that I’ve found helpful. I’ve culled them from various sources, including lots of difficult-conversations-gone-wrong, so tailor them to your personality and needs:

1. Why am I having this conversation?

Take a few moments to reflect on the real purpose of the conversation. You may be angry, anxious, or feeling pressed for time, but try to boil it down to a single point of focus. This is helpful when you or the other person are tempted to spring off into other topics. (“oh yeah? well, you did that other thing last week….”)

2. What do I hope to accomplish?

Do you need a solution? Are you interested in sharing information? Have to communicate a decision? It helps to be clear on the outcome you’re after. If you need a solution and the other person is not ready to talk solutions, you can let them know your goal and set a time to come back.

3. What potential problems will arise? (this is usually what I think will make it “difficult”)

Will they get angry? Will you? Will they have a different suggestion? Push for a solution you can’t agree with? Take a moment to think from their point of view. People often act out in anger or fear; if you think you’ll be faced with that type of conversation, how can you acknowledge it up front? Naming the problem in the room often lets some of the tension out. (“I need to talk about something with you that may be uncomfortable. If we need to stop for a moment so you can take a break, I hope you’ll let me know. ” or “We have some difficult decisions to make and none of the possible solutions are going to make everyone happy. I’m hoping we can work together to figure out how to make the best decision given our circumstances.”

4. How will I deal with those moments?

If you know you get nervous and start speaking too fast, envision yourself taking some deep breaths. If you expect the other person to blow up, practice a few phrases and be ready to suggest a break. Does exercise before a difficult afternoon help? Then hit the gym!

5. What if?

Something won’t go the way you expected. In some cases, things go better than expected. Sometimes though, we get thrown a curve ball. Take a moment to imagine how you’ll respond to something wacky. Can you suggest a break? A reschedule? Will you try to lean back and relax when they’re sharing a new idea? How can you be open-minded during the conversation without losing focus?

The last step is after the conversation. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but think it over, what went well? What didn’t? Is there someone you can share your side with and get some reactions? And if you have one of those “Wish I’d said….” moments, maybe, you should go back in.  Like thank you notes, it’s never too late to let someone know you’ve been taking them seriously.

Do you dodge?
Do you have suggestions for how to catch the ball?