conflict

You delegated and they didn’t deliver. What now?

wpid-2014-09-15-06.51.02.jpg.jpegIt’s three-o’clock.

Your to-do list is twice as long as it was when you started out this morning. You’ve been interrupted twenty times, the email is piling up in your inbox and you’re dealing with more emergencies than an ER. You’re about to throw your computer out the window and head to Belize where opening a bar on the beach seems like a solid next step in your career. Then the employee you just handed a project off to this morning – the project you actually delegated – shows up in your doorway.

“I’m not sure what to do about….”

“Just handle it!” you bark.

Things just got worse.

Delegating well is a skill and like any other skill we can get better at it.  Receiving a project well is also a skill and it’s one we talk about less. They’re the two sides of working together and they’re worth looking at side-by-side.

Handing off an assignment requires three basic things:

1. Clarity

“Just handle it” obviously doesn’t cut it. If you find yourself giving this kind of guidance, you may already be in steps 2 or 3 and a quality conversation with your employee is probably in order, so feel free to jump ahead.

If you’re taking the plunge, set aside enough time to hand off a project so you can be sure to cover the specifics. What are you asking this person to do? What is the deliverable? When should it be complete? How will you be available for questions along the way? Take the time to really listen to them at this point because their questions will signal whether they’re prepared, need some help, or might benefit from a conversation with someone else who has done this type of work before.

You want to challenge and grow the people around you, but throwing them in the pool without any swim lessons is not usually the best way to do that.

2. Communication

Be present during the project. They may have questions. In fact, the first time around, you probably hope they’ll have a few questions. Likewise, you may want to know how things are progressing on a longer-term project. What do you need from them so you won’t arrive at different destinations three weeks from now? Nobody wants to generate a crisis at the last minute because you thought they were doing X and they thought you wanted Y.

Establish some agreement about checking in.

3. Closure

After the project is over, we usually rush on to the next one without half a moment’s pause. That’s a missed opportunity. When someone’s done a good job, tell them. And try to be specific. Did they do something creative that you didn’t originally ask for? Let them know. But don’t just focus on the good.

Have the difficult conversations too.

Did they deliver something that was less than you expected? They need to know. They can’t guess where they didn’t meet your expectations and, if they’re consistently falling short, you need to address that. If you set good expectations at the beginning, you have something to work with. Going over those specifics and comparing your directions to the deliverable is an important step. It will also challenge you to see your instructions from the other side.

Did you really tell them what you thought you did?

Were you clear about the format? The schedule? The content? If so, it should be in writing somewhere from your handoff. If not, you may want to focus more on that step next time.

Receiving a project well is the mirror image of good delegation:

1. Clarity

Are you able to do the project as described? If you have other projects on your plate and you’re worried about time, speak up. It’s not whining to say “You’ve asked me to do these four things. I’d like to work on this project too but I need some clarity about deadlines. Do you have a sense of priority or can I review all five and get back to you with some suggestions? Do you have a top priority?”

Do you actually know what’s expected of you? For some people, this is easy. Maybe you’ve done this type of project before and you have an instant sense of what it’ll take. But when we’re getting something new, it can be hard to really know. In those cases, it’s helpful to find someone who’s done this type of project, run through the steps with them, ask lots of questions and get clear. Then double back with your supervisor with any questions about the direction you’ve received.

2. Communication

If you’ve been asked for updates, share them. Take the time to understand how your supervisor wants to hear from you. Do they like the drop-in? Do they prefer an email? If you don’t know, ask. “I want to make sure you know how things are going, how would you like to receive updates? And what’s the best way to check with you if I have a question?”

If you’re on the receiving end of “Just handle it!” take a step back.

Is it you? Did you catch them at the wrong moment? Did they say they prefer email updates and you’ve dropped by three times? Are you trying to let them know your progress but making it sound like a question? Are you stalling because you’re not confident in your next steps?

When you took on the assignment, your supervisor was probably hoping you’d step up and be part of the team. They may also be nervous that they’ve delegated part of the work and that you won’t follow through and they’ll end up doing it anyway. Take an honest moment to ask yourself if you’re doing everything on your part to make this project a success.

Is it them? Does this happen to you frequently with this person? Are the directions so vague that you really don’t know what’s expected of you? Is this something new you don’t understand? If so, revisit step one. Find the right time and method to tell them your goal is to deliver what they need on time and to do so these are your questions. If they really can’t provide the guidance, at least you’re on the record.

If you’ve muddle through and haven’t gotten what you need, go for step three.

3. Closure

This can feel scary if you’re not sure you did a good job, even if you’re pretty certain you didn’t get what you needed. All the more reason to ask for a time to assess the project when it’s over. If it didn’t go well, say so. Just acknowledging the situation makes it easier to address.

“I’m not sure I delivered what you needed. I’ve given it some thought and I think we didn’t have a clear mutual understanding at the beginning. Next time, what if we tried this approach (describe)?”

It can also be hard to hear when we fell short of someone’s expectation. If your supervisor is telling you that you didn’t deliver what they needed, that’s the time to listen with your full attention.

How have you made happier three-o’clocks?

Pop Quiz! Can you do this one thing today to reduce conflict?

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Chances are one of these happened to you during a conversation in the last 24 hours:

Device Distraction: They surfed emails/the web/your phone while you talked?

Location Distraction: They walked away to wash a dish, file a something, or do laundry but said “Go on, I’m listening.”

Attention Distraction: They made a to-do list while you talked, jotted notes for a memo, etc.

You know when you’re not being listened to, and it creates frustration, miscommunication, misunderstanding and other types of conflict.

If yore reading this, you probably already try to avoid those types of behaviors when you’re doing the listening. Although – true confession – I spent too much time being distracted by my device yesterday in a meeting. It was not pretty, but distraction is always there, lurking around the corner, ready to pounce.

We know we’re supposed to listen. And in our distracted world, it’s easy to feel like we can listen and do something else – or feel like we must be multitasking just to stay afloat.

However, learning to listen deeply has great benefits. You hear the full story when you’re really paying attention. Body language, the tone and nuance of what people are saying (and not saying). The conversation, side comments, and seemingly unrelated bit of information come together to paint the bigger picture. When we’re really present in a situation, we hear a lot more than just the words that are being exchanged.

Pop quiz: What are you thinking about right now?

Your to-do list? The chore you’re avoiding by surfing the web? Something that’s bubbling in the back of your mind?

Listening is more than just not talking. It also means not talking in your head while the other person is talking.

This is not easy, but if you can do this one thing, you will hear a lot more.

Why? Because we really can’t multitask.

When we talk in our heads, we’re making up a story about what the other person is really thinking/doing/not saying.

“S/he probably didn’t write that memo and it’s going to make us all late again and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do my part if they didn’t….”

“S/he is always late. They’re probably stopping for coffee at that place our other department goes all the time because s/he’d rather hang out with them than get our project done on time…”

– or maybe it’s a story about their character, who they are, why they’re doing something.

“S/he is so distracted all the time I’ll bet they forgot all about our other project and they’re only focusing on this one because they like the team better but our other one is really going to tie up my time….”

“S/he is always more focused on the numbers than on the big picture. I can’t believe I have to work with such a narrow-minded person….”

How do you stop?

It helps to think of a time when you were fully engrossed in what someone was saying. Maybe it was your child, or your partner. Maybe it was someone who’s an expert in something you’re fascinated by. Try to capture that feeling for a moment. Got it?

Now, practice giving that type of attention to your conversations today. Take the pop quiz – check in and see if you’re listening. Take a deep breath and bring your focus back to the conversation. (I may put away those devices today!)

Try to listen without interruption from your own thoughts. It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.

Should you find that pen drifting across your paper, about to make a to-do list, maybe you could jot down this word instead:

Listen.

Why are you yelling at me?? (does anger work @ work?)

wpid-2014-08-06-21.08.15.jpg.jpegFacing someone who is angry at you – outright yelling-and-screaming angry – is a scenario that comes up when people are trading work horror stories.

I haven’t found a lot out there about how to deal with it well – just lots of “can you believe s/he did that?” 

I remember the first time I listened to my boss yell at someone for a solid ten minutes behind closed doors (his and mine!) before he fired her. My stomach churned like I was twelve years old and about to be grounded. Not exactly how we want to feel at work.

We spend our entire lives developing our personal reaction to anger and those life-long habits are strong ones. They’re our go-to survival techniques. We may avoid situations that may result in anger. We may try to get in with the first punch. Dealing with anger can take a lot of practice if someone yelling at you isn’t in your comfort zone.

If you’re conflict-adverse, it’s helpful to remember that anger isn’t all bad. When it provides the fuel to make a change, it can really help you. We all hear stories about the “I’m not going to take it any more” moment when people stand up for themselves and they get the respect, attention, or result they’re seeking.

That’s not the kind of anger I’m thinking about here. I’m thinking about the situation when anger is a weapon to tear people down, intimidate, and cause fear, it’s destructive. It’s bullying. It’s the feeling in the pit of your stomach that something suddenly went wrong and you’re being attacked.

And it usually makes you….angry.

It’s not feeling angry that’s a problem. It’s the doing. What are they – or you – doing with that anger?

I certainly don’t have all the answers to this one, but I suspect there are a lot of answer out there from your experiences.

I’m happy to share a few ways I’ve been able to deal with these situations better in recent years than I did in the past. I’m really hoping you’ll share some of your experiences too.

What has been working better for me?

1. Ask: Are they really yelling?

If you’re sensitive to criticsm, hard on yourself, or not a fan of anger, it’s easy to misconstrue someone else as “yelling” when they’re frustrated, anxious, or upset.

If you feel like people are yelling at you all the time, you might want to figure out if they really are, or if your perception is playing into the situation. Maybe you need to hear what they’re saying instead of focusing on how they’re delivering the message.

But, sometimes, they really are yelling…..what then?

2. Walk away

There is great power in the polite exit. “I can see you’re upset. I’m going to take five minutes to gather my thoughts.”

It’s okay to leave. Especially if you can feel your emotions rising to meet theirs. The only thing worse than one really angry person is two.

3. Regroup

Take a break. Find a way to get your thoughts out. For me, writing them down helps a lot. For others, it may be physical activity, talking to someone about the situation, but whatever it is, if it helps you group your thoughts or prepare mentally to deal with the situation, do it.

4. Deal with it

This is the kicker, right? Sometimes, we want to just lash out and then not deal with it. Or we want to just pretend “it” didn’t happen. Not dealing with the situation or the person is not good. It’s like the time you got a terrible report card and hid it from your parents. But you knew it was there. Lurking. And when you least expected it, the reality of having to deal with it would come popping up, spreading that dread all over your bright world of denial.

You’ve got to deal with it, or you’ll be sabotaging your way forward.

Dealing with it can take lots of forms. Maybe you can use some of the ideas in this post, or maybe you have other ways of having difficult conversations. That’s another topic.

But what’s the goal of this topic? Dealing with the initial outburst. Whatever your technique, I wonder if our ultimate goals is to not let their anger trigger the same emotion in you.

Can you do it?

How? 

 

 

Is your inability to delegate holding you (and everyone else) back?

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You know who you are. You can’t let go. You won’t let anyone else do the work because they never get it right. You’re buried in a pile of obligations, sweating every deadline and working into the wee hours while you wonder why your  no-good co-workers and ineffective staff can’t just step up.

Been there?

Maybe you’re the boss, maybe you’re the employee, and maybe it’s not be as bad as all that, but if you have any perfectionist tendencies (guilty as charged!) you may be having a hard time with the D word. Delegation. And, by extension, maybe your staff is, too.

Delegation opens so many opportunities for things to go well or awry. Delegation is not bossing them into doing it our way. Much of our success at work comes from completing projects in a way that is valued by others. Considering delegation in this light provides some interesting insights.

Does the person you’re handing off to know what you value?

Unless you’re working with someone you have a long established relationship with and you’ve undergone some sort of mind-meld, it’s likely that you need to spend some time explaining the task, the expectations, and how you’ll communicate along the way.

For instance: “I have a project I’d like to assign to you. It’s going to have a tight deadline and some high expectations. Can we find some time today to make sure we have a shared understanding of the milestones and how I will know you’re making progress?”

Not:

To: Employee.

From: Uncommunicative supervisor

Date: Tuesday at 6:30 PM

Subject: IMPORTANT!

Hey! I really need to you to get the report pulled together for finance by friday. Ok?”

 

Perfection is the enemy of the good

We’ve all heard this one. And it’s true. It’s so much easier to just do it yourself instead of taking the time to show someone else how to do it, answer questions, and potentially see them fail.

But how much worse is it to stifle your staff because you won’t let them learn?  Remember when you had a supervisor who wouldn’t let you take on the projects you were eager to do?  Don’t be that supervisor.

Employees? This goes both ways. If it’s your first assignment, you want to get it right and you will have questions (you should  have questions!) Don’t hang onto that work until it’s perfect. Missing a deadline because you’re trying to polish something to perfection is not a good choice. How do you approach your boss?

Maybe:

“I know this project is important to you and I didn’t want to work too long in one direction without being sure we were still aligned. Can we check in for 5 minutes?”

And when you have that check in? Be prepared. Have focused questions then listen carefully for new information.

Remember, you’re both working at this together, if you supervisor forgot to tell you something the first time around, don’t roll your eyes and say “I can’t do this work if the direction is going to totally change every time I ask you a question!” (You get my point). They need to know you’re going to be able to work with some independence but you’ll come back to them along the way. The need for check-ins may diminish as you work together more, but even with people I’ve spent a long time working with, the check-in is essential. Things change, schedules shift, priorities rearrange – you will rarely have a complicated project that is assigned and completed exactly the way it was initially described and those are the ones worth learning.

How’re things looking from another point of view?

If you have an employee who has been offered help only to brush it aside…no, no, I got it….and they’re weary, ring-eyed, and intent on doing it themselves, you may be working with a delegation-challenged-perfectionist.

Perhaps an honest conversation about how their reluctance to delegate is impacting others will help them see their situation differently. Appeal to their better self, the one that wants to motivate and encourage others. Acknowledge that they’re drowning in deadlines and assignments and that’s not a sign of success. Ask them to help someone else grow to their level of skills.

Then listen closely. They may be able to point out areas for improvement. Together you might identify people who can help find success.

I have a mentor who regularly asked “who’s your support team?” when I talked about new projects or initiatives. It’s a life-saver of a question, worth internalizing and sharing.

Are you the perfectionist or do you work for one?

How have you met this challenge?

 

 

Are you dodging a difficult conversation?

Remember P.E. on a rainy day?  That’s when our teacher used to bring out the dodge balls. Unless you were a sucker for punishment, you didn’t just stand in the middle of the gym and wait for the balls to smack into you. You dodged.

Dodgeball

Dodgeball

It’s been a long time since I played dodgeball, but old habits die hard. Throw a bunch of change in the air and our latent instincts can pop right out – we duck, we dodge, if we’re really good, we walk away, head held high, barely bruised. Rain or shine, it can feel like every day is dodgeball day if there’s trouble in the air we’re trying to avoid.

I have yet to meet the person who says to me that they look forward to difficult conversations. Some people are really good at having them but most people I know prefer not to have to have them at all. We all know what happens if you don’t deal with that ball thought – it’ll keep coming at you.

Why do we dodge?

  • We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings
  • We have to talk about something that’s difficult for us (money with a spouse? concerns with a child?)
  • We don’t usually want to be the “bad guy/gal”
  • We’re feeling like we’re partially to blame (maybe that idea I had wasn’t such a good one after all)
  • We don’t like the person we have to talk with
  • We’re afraid to lose our temper
  • We’re afraid the other person will lose their temper

This list could go on and on, couldn’t it?

What’s the goal of a difficult conversation? It’s not to get the other person out. Dodgeball was a lone-survivor game. That kid helping you across the gym? They’d turn on you in a second in order to win. Lone-player doesn’t work well in most of our relationships anymore, though. At work, we’re pretty interdependent and in our personal lives, that win-lose mindset is a recipe for unhappiness and loneliness.

When I have to prepare for a difficult conversation, there are a few prep questions that I’ve found helpful. I’ve culled them from various sources, including lots of difficult-conversations-gone-wrong, so tailor them to your personality and needs:

1. Why am I having this conversation?

Take a few moments to reflect on the real purpose of the conversation. You may be angry, anxious, or feeling pressed for time, but try to boil it down to a single point of focus. This is helpful when you or the other person are tempted to spring off into other topics. (“oh yeah? well, you did that other thing last week….”)

2. What do I hope to accomplish?

Do you need a solution? Are you interested in sharing information? Have to communicate a decision? It helps to be clear on the outcome you’re after. If you need a solution and the other person is not ready to talk solutions, you can let them know your goal and set a time to come back.

3. What potential problems will arise? (this is usually what I think will make it “difficult”)

Will they get angry? Will you? Will they have a different suggestion? Push for a solution you can’t agree with? Take a moment to think from their point of view. People often act out in anger or fear; if you think you’ll be faced with that type of conversation, how can you acknowledge it up front? Naming the problem in the room often lets some of the tension out. (“I need to talk about something with you that may be uncomfortable. If we need to stop for a moment so you can take a break, I hope you’ll let me know. ” or “We have some difficult decisions to make and none of the possible solutions are going to make everyone happy. I’m hoping we can work together to figure out how to make the best decision given our circumstances.”

4. How will I deal with those moments?

If you know you get nervous and start speaking too fast, envision yourself taking some deep breaths. If you expect the other person to blow up, practice a few phrases and be ready to suggest a break. Does exercise before a difficult afternoon help? Then hit the gym!

5. What if?

Something won’t go the way you expected. In some cases, things go better than expected. Sometimes though, we get thrown a curve ball. Take a moment to imagine how you’ll respond to something wacky. Can you suggest a break? A reschedule? Will you try to lean back and relax when they’re sharing a new idea? How can you be open-minded during the conversation without losing focus?

The last step is after the conversation. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but think it over, what went well? What didn’t? Is there someone you can share your side with and get some reactions? And if you have one of those “Wish I’d said….” moments, maybe, you should go back in.  Like thank you notes, it’s never too late to let someone know you’ve been taking them seriously.

Do you dodge?
Do you have suggestions for how to catch the ball?

Do you leap over conflict, duck under it, or belly-smack your way through?

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Anyone who has spent some time at the beach knows there are a lot of ways to deal with the waves.

On a calm day, you can just bob along, enjoying the sun and the motion of the water. But once things start to churn, you have to decide how you’re going to deal. The beach is a great analogy for our conflict styles.

  1. Run for the safety of the towel. Maybe you just don’t engage, sit it out and watch from the sidelines while everyone else struggle or surfs.
  2. Leap over the waves. The dolphin divers take the waves with a lot of grace.
  3. Duck! It’s pretty easy to just take a deep break and let the big one wash overhead. You can barely feel it as you settle into the calm beneath.
  4. Bellysmack! whether intentional or not, this one can hurt. A full frontal or side-smack? Doesn’t matter much, you take a beating and sometimes a snort of seawater to boot.

Of course, you can always choose a combination approach, tailoring your reaction to the waves, if you have time.

Regardless, after a few hours of battling it out, you’re probably ready for a break. It’s brutal business. You’ve been knocked off your feet, your knees are scraped up, and you’ve probably been caught by surprise a time or two.

Time to return to the towel, chair, pool, sofa, and reassess.

And this may be the critical part of your strategy.

As you replay the day’s decisions, do you beat yourself up for the waves that caught you by surprise? Or do you visualize the next day’s trip to the beach, with better outcomes?

 

 

What do whitewater rafting, the beach, and conflict have in common?

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Nothing, right? One takes place on a river, one at the ocean, and the other could be anywhere, but not while we’re having fun.

I was at the ocean with my children and my daughter was showing me her “techniques” for managing the rather sizable waves. She crossed her arm behind her head, grabbed her nose with her other hand, and yelled “whitewater!”

This was a new one. “That’s what you do if you fall out of the boat,” she explained. She’d been whitewater rafting a couple of weeks earlier and made a logical leap from protecting your head from rocks to protecting your head from the breaking waves. It worked, too.

In a stressful situation, we can easily rely on our learned behaviors instead of reaching out into other experiences to refresh and replenish our tool box.

Moments of conflict, with their intense emotion, can shut us down. This isn’t just something you’re imagining, either. Research shows all sorts of negative effects on our bodies and our ability to make decisions when we’re under stress. A quick online search turns up scholarly articles about our tendency to consider fewer options to solve problems when we’re under stress. And the media is flooded with the ill effects of stress on our health and our interpersonal relationships.

Insight can come in a flash, but the mind has to be able to adapt and see it.

How can we cultivate these types of moments?

We can boil a lot of this down to two main ideas.

Give yourself something to work with ahead of time

Go on vacation – even a saturday afternoon doing something different in a nearby town can help. Take a break from your “usual” and do something different. Drive a different way. Read a different type of book, different newspaper, check out an industry journal that has nothing to do with your field. These activities can expose you to new ideas, new ways of thinking, and give you a flash of connection. Take care of your health.

Prepare yourself to be open in the moment

Before your afternoon of meetings, go for a walk. Breathe. Stand up and stretch, look out a window. Make a point of going to the gym. Make a list of your key thoughts. Dump the “to-do” list you’re carrying around in your head on paper so you don’t have to worry about forgetting it. Whatever it is that can calm you, make you feel more receptive and more open to the situation you’re going into, take a moment to fit that in.

When you’ve been fortunate enough to have one of those flashes of insight or cross-pollination, share it with someone else, or let us know here what you think helped it happen.

 

 

Kicking the (Big Blue) Can Down the Road

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Isn’t she a beauty?

95 gallons of recycling capacity on wheels. Who wouldn’t love having this baby delivered to your front door, ready for use? No more stinky bin sitting around in my mud-room collecting cans and paper. Instead, she’s neat, she’s tidy and, best of all, she lives out doors. Like the cat.

While I was happily making room for Big Blue in our lives, my neighbors weren’t quite as enamored.

I live at the top of a gravel road so for me it’s a quick (wheeled) trip down the driveway and out to the curb. My neighbors however had to bring their bins to the top of the longish drive, which wasn’t such a big deal when they could stick their bin in the car, truck bed, trunk…. Big Blue? She’s not going to fit. And the collection trucks don’t go down the gravel drive.

One of my neighbors caught me on my way out the door to work and asked if I would mind if she just left her can up against my shed. Where it would be easier for her to get to the curb. I had visions of everyone down the road asking for the same and suddenly, the image of a Big Blue family reunion without end practically undid me. If I said yes to her…..where would it end? Yet I’m sympathetic. It is a long way to go, and for some people it won’t be an easy task. We live in society, we don’t want to be the grouchy automatic nay-sayers, and we want people to like us.

In my perfect world, the exchange would have proceeded with me having just the right graceful “no” on hand, she’d have walked away completely understanding my point of view, and we’d be all set.

Instead, we had one of those cringe-inducing conversations where I stammered and she backed away, and I couldn’t quite say no, and she’s a wonderful person who probably realized how unexcited I was about the idea and we left it with one of those awkward “I’ll get back to you” things….and I hurried off to work.

So what now?  After I cancelled the “replay” tape, I got to thinking. It wasn’t too late to have the graceful no. And it also wasn’t too late to address the situation my neighbors were facing. I can call the recycling folks and pass along the concern my neighbors have. Perhaps there’s a way they can help the folks who are having a hard time dealing with the new cans? Maybe they’ve already anticipated this and have smaller trucks handy since they’ll need new equipment to collect these new bins? And I can let her know what my concerns are with saying yes (where does it stop?) and let her know that I’ve heard her concerns and passed it along to the right place.

And then? Hopefully we’ll all recycle to our heart’s content.

Have you wished for a “do-over”? How did you handle it?

Tear Down the Argument to Build Agreement

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We had a department store in our town that is being converted into a new movie theater and shops. I drove by today and all that was left of the old store were piles of debris and the metal structure sticking out in the 90* heat.  I could still imagine where the door had been, the shoes, the connection to the rest of the mall, but it looked so different that I could also imagine big theater screens, new seating, and openings to restaurants where there had been blank walls.

I love this stage of renovation, when you’re freed up from what you used to know about a space or a place, and your mind begins to see the possibilities.

In the middle of an argument or conflict, it can feel like you’re dealing with a lot of “knowns” but, if you can get down to the structure of the situation, there are usually more possibilities than we first see.

The metal framework is the essential area for discussion. The bricks, doors, windows, wires, tiles – they’re all extra. They shape the final form and function of the space, turning a two-story box into a department store, a theater, or something else altogether.

Usually, when we walk into a negotiation of any sort, we come with our building. We know what we want from the interaction and how the agreement should look when we come out.

What’s difficult is to engage with an open mind about what the other person sees, to work with them to tear down their building (and yours!), and construct something together that works for everyone.

At the heart of this approach is listening to understand. Since we’re not mind readers, we have to ask questions. Lots of questions.

I deal with a lot of situations that appear to be black-and-white at first. “We can’t do that, can’t approve that, it has to be like this, that’s impossible, can’t be done, this is the only way….etc.” These are position statements.

Usually, there’s a very good purpose behind the initial statement. Finding out what they’re concerned about (safety? cost? management? precedent?) and sharing your interest (and don’t slip a position in here – be genuine about what’s important to you) gives you an opportunity to ask my favorite question: “Is there a way for us to meet both our needs here?”

This approach takes time and a willingness to remain calm, keep asking and digging, and listening for the interests and concerns behind the words.

“How do we both win?” It’s the golden question that, when coupled with really hearing what the other person needs are, can help move us into constructing a shared solution.

I think you should do this my way

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At some point, we all find ourselves working with someone who is very organized, very thorough, and, not surprisingly, very successful at their job. This relationship can be wonderful – things happen, work gets done. But it can be challenging too, especially when they reach into your work and tell you how to do it. This type of overreaching can feel like micro-managing, or distrust, or an inability to let go. It can also bring out feelings of defensiveness and uncooperative behavior. Most of us don’t enjoy feeling bossed around.

It’s also common to play both roles, depending on the situation. Sometimes, we may be the one who “knows” how something should be done. Sometimes we’re the one on the receiving end.

On the receiving end, figuring out how to establish some boundaries is essential. Whether it’s a boss, a friend, family member or co-worker, some version of a firm stance may be in order. Especially when it seems that all the politeness in the world can’t get the message across.

I’ve witnessed plenty of blow-ups in these situations (or been the one blowing up), and it doesn’t do any good. The initial shock into silence can be a welcome relief. But it can also lead the overreacher to be further convinced of your inability to do things well and the cycle eventually picks up again.

The passive-aggressive approach doesn’t work either. Pretending that we’ll do things their way and then doing it our way is really only being aggressive in a different way. As a result, distrust builds and they may try even harder to reach in and control us next time.

How do we claim our territory without blowing our top?

  • It’s helpful to acknowledge the other person’s concerns. “I hear you’re worried about how I will present on this topic…..” This requires careful listening when we’d really rather fume about how they have no right to try to boss us around.
  • It’s important to tell them what you will or won’t be able to do about their concerns. This confirms that you heard them clearly and sets good expectations. For example, “I will reflect your concerns about xyz in my presentation but I will not be changing my information about abc from what you already saw.”
  • Tell them what to expect. Maybe, “I will share an outline with you before the meeting, but I won’t make additional changes at that time.”
  • Then stop.

I believe it’s important to be clear with others about your thinking, what you will do, and what they can expect as a result. I also believe it’s okay, when this person really is overstepping their boundaries, to have the self-respect to turn your attention to your work.

If you think you might be the overreacher, listening for these types of clues might be  a good place to start.

It’s a touchy situation, especially when the person you’re dealing with is someone you will have to continue to work with. Even when you think you won’t, I don’t recommend burning bridges. I’m sure others have found other ways to set boundaries with people who’d like to tell you how to do your job.

Do you think you do both of these? Neither? Do you have a suggestion?