I talked to a friend of mine who is in the construction phase of her dream life. Literally. She’s building a farm from the ground up and it’s full of space for start-up farmers, heritage animals, and other yet-to-be-imagined ventures.
She then went on to talk about the challenges of beginning this new venture. Coming from the corporate world, where petty cash is accounted for and everyone gets “the rules,” she was stunned to realize that people would steal tools, that cash would go missing, and that the rules weren’t as black and white as before.
Her father was a general contractor and she was marveling at his ability to come home day after day with love and respect for his family.
“I had no idea what he was dealing with at work, he was just there for us,” she said.
She asked her dad how he did it and he said “it’s not about you. These people have their own lives, they’re not trying to hurt you. They’re trying to take care of their families. They’re trying to get by. Just put your systems in place and don’t take it personally.”
She said it was a turning point. She’s never been so nonjudgmental about the people around her before.
It’s easy to make assumptions.
We think we know why people do or say things in a certain way, but if we ask them, we are often surprised.
Yet we resist.
Someone asked me why I thought a particular individual was asking for information.
- Was he trying to make this person look bad?
- Was he being nosy?
- Was he trying to second guess this person’s decision?
With this story fresh on my mind, a thousand (or at least a few) other, alternate, explanations sprang to mind while they were talking.
We don’t know.
We’re quick to assume it’s about us. Something we said, something we fear, something we did.
In this case, what we did know was easy to state. And we could ask a question – “Is there something else you’d like to know that I can help you with?”
When we let go of our stories about why we think people are doing things, we’re able to ask the Why question. And often, it turns out, it’s not all about us.
I think this home-grown lesson will stick with me for quite a while.